I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home and begin feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, and you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 27 August 2009
If yer Scoattish......
1. You consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine as good weather.
2. The only sausage you like is square..
3. You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at secondary school.
4. You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, aye, aye right, auldjin, baltic...
5. You destroyed your teeth when you were young using Buchanan's toffee, Wham bars, Penny Dainties, MB Bars, Cola Cubes etc
6. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a 'numpty' team like the Faroe Islands .
7. You happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone you've never met before.
8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish.
9. You used to watch Glen Michael's Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his side kick Lamp Paladin.
10. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas.
11. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent - "Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic pal." Or "Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh ?", etc
12. You see cops and hear someone shout 'Errapolis'.
13. You have participated in or watched people having a 'square go'.
14. You know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only want to know if you are catholic or protestant.
15. You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince 'n tatties, Tunnock's Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen skink, Lees Macaroon Bars, etc.
16. A jakey has asked you for money.
17. You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a shop keeper.
18. You know the right response to 'Ye dancing ?' is 'Y'askin?' followed by 'Ahm askin' and finally 'Then ahm dancin'.
19. Whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit as that's what the jannies used to chuck on it at school.
20. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt.
21. You don't do shopping... you 'go the messages'.
22. You're sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you telling you a joke - and asking 'Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?' and you respond 'Naw, not at a', yer fine. This is ma stoap, but'.
23. You can have an entire phone conversation using only the words 'awright', 'aye' and 'naw'.
24. You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when out - regardless of the circumstances.
25. You know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and that seven hundred hungry weans'll testify tae that. Furthermore you're sure that if it's butter, cheese or jeely, or if the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae wan.
26. You know that going to a party at a friend's house involves bringing your own drink.
27. Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in Scotland while you're away.
28. Your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in Prague and your mate says we'll end up losing 3-2 here and you think "Probably".
29. You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Auchtermuchty.
30. Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy.
31. You're used to 4 seasons in one day.
32. You can't pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when your drunk.
33. You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink.
34. You measure distance in minutes.
35. You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in your own family.
36. You go to Saltcoats because you think it's like being at the ocean.
37. You can make a whole sentence out of just swear words.
38. You know what haggis is made with and still eat it.
39. Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date.
40. You've been at a wedding where the footie results were read out.
41. You aren't surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies and fags all for sale in one shop.
42. Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it.
43. You know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure.
44. You understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals.
45. and, finally, you are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used these terms - "How's it hingin'?", "clatty", "boggin", "cludgie", "dreich", "bampot", "bawheid", "bawbag" and "dubble nugget".
2. The only sausage you like is square..
3. You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at secondary school.
4. You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, aye, aye right, auldjin, baltic...
5. You destroyed your teeth when you were young using Buchanan's toffee, Wham bars, Penny Dainties, MB Bars, Cola Cubes etc
6. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a 'numpty' team like the Faroe Islands .
7. You happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone you've never met before.
8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish.
9. You used to watch Glen Michael's Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his side kick Lamp Paladin.
10. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas.
11. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent - "Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic pal." Or "Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh ?", etc
12. You see cops and hear someone shout 'Errapolis'.
13. You have participated in or watched people having a 'square go'.
14. You know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only want to know if you are catholic or protestant.
15. You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince 'n tatties, Tunnock's Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen skink, Lees Macaroon Bars, etc.
16. A jakey has asked you for money.
17. You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a shop keeper.
18. You know the right response to 'Ye dancing ?' is 'Y'askin?' followed by 'Ahm askin' and finally 'Then ahm dancin'.
19. Whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit as that's what the jannies used to chuck on it at school.
20. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt.
21. You don't do shopping... you 'go the messages'.
22. You're sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you telling you a joke - and asking 'Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?' and you respond 'Naw, not at a', yer fine. This is ma stoap, but'.
23. You can have an entire phone conversation using only the words 'awright', 'aye' and 'naw'.
24. You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when out - regardless of the circumstances.
25. You know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and that seven hundred hungry weans'll testify tae that. Furthermore you're sure that if it's butter, cheese or jeely, or if the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae wan.
26. You know that going to a party at a friend's house involves bringing your own drink.
27. Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in Scotland while you're away.
28. Your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in Prague and your mate says we'll end up losing 3-2 here and you think "Probably".
29. You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Auchtermuchty.
30. Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy.
31. You're used to 4 seasons in one day.
32. You can't pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when your drunk.
33. You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink.
34. You measure distance in minutes.
35. You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in your own family.
36. You go to Saltcoats because you think it's like being at the ocean.
37. You can make a whole sentence out of just swear words.
38. You know what haggis is made with and still eat it.
39. Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date.
40. You've been at a wedding where the footie results were read out.
41. You aren't surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies and fags all for sale in one shop.
42. Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it.
43. You know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure.
44. You understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals.
45. and, finally, you are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used these terms - "How's it hingin'?", "clatty", "boggin", "cludgie", "dreich", "bampot", "bawheid", "bawbag" and "dubble nugget".
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Cant Sleep! Argh!!
Its almost 2am - and I cant sleep, so thought I might as well update this blog for you.
Currently on holiday from work till September :) I had the 21st off anyway as Id worked the previous Saturday, and get the bank holiday off on the 31st, so thought I would just take the week in between off as well.
Caught up in all the wee jobs you mean to do but put off lol. Just got a few more DVDs to sort thru and thats me.
Gigs wise its been pretty good. 40th`s, Golden Weddings and a Memorial Service for someone. Yes you read it right. Ive always said I havent ever DJ`d a funeral, and this is as close as I think I will come.
Was a memorial / fund raiser for Heart Foundation - and a brilliant night it was too. I expected it to be at 1st full of black ties and handshakes and crying women, but it was not even close.
This weekend I was back in Morgans (not been there a while), and also in St Peters (Hi Micheal lol), doing a wedding. Some old friends popped in and took me by surprise and was really nice to see people from the past again and see how they are getting on.
So - plans for the rest of this week? Well - I am going into work tomorrow - yes - honestly. Only going in to get my payslip so wont be taking my headset in and tempted to sit down and sell lol.
Cars needing fixed as well - MOT due soon, so got some stuff to do for that as well.
CYA
Currently on holiday from work till September :) I had the 21st off anyway as Id worked the previous Saturday, and get the bank holiday off on the 31st, so thought I would just take the week in between off as well.
Caught up in all the wee jobs you mean to do but put off lol. Just got a few more DVDs to sort thru and thats me.
Gigs wise its been pretty good. 40th`s, Golden Weddings and a Memorial Service for someone. Yes you read it right. Ive always said I havent ever DJ`d a funeral, and this is as close as I think I will come.
Was a memorial / fund raiser for Heart Foundation - and a brilliant night it was too. I expected it to be at 1st full of black ties and handshakes and crying women, but it was not even close.
This weekend I was back in Morgans (not been there a while), and also in St Peters (Hi Micheal lol), doing a wedding. Some old friends popped in and took me by surprise and was really nice to see people from the past again and see how they are getting on.
So - plans for the rest of this week? Well - I am going into work tomorrow - yes - honestly. Only going in to get my payslip so wont be taking my headset in and tempted to sit down and sell lol.
Cars needing fixed as well - MOT due soon, so got some stuff to do for that as well.
CYA
Sunday, 9 August 2009
This is becoming regular lol
Hi all
Sitting here on Sunday morning, done all my housework (almost), so thought I would post with last nights fun.
Was meant to be doing a 21st in Ardrossan Civic Centre, where they had specifically requested Old Skool music, and lots of it, and NO Runrig at the end - just bouncy tunes.
Initially when you hear this you instantly think there will be a riot at the place, especially if history of the venue is anything to go by. How wrong I was.
Got a phone call at about 6pm to tell me that the venue had changed, as the fuse box melted in the civic centre (not surprising it was built in about 1347!). So the new venue was hastily arranged as the Whitlees Community Centre, which holds about 20% of the capacity of the Civic Centre.
1st problem was all the guests had to be informed of the venue change, so frantic phone calls a plenty and hopefully everybody would turn up. Then came the 2nd problem. The drinks licence granted for the evening was only valid for the Civic Centre, which meant that the new venue would have no bar. So all the guests would have to be told it was a bring your own bottle night.
This was of course after the police stepped in and at first didnt want the party to go ahead, but they relented after an agonising 20 minute wait and the party was given the green light.
Thankfully most people got the messages, and turned up at the venue armed with alcohol. By about 9pm the place was packed and there was cans, bottles, cups and glasses everywhere - not one patch of table could be seen :)
As it was a warm night / lots of smokers - they kept the fire door open - bad idea. 15 minutes later the Environmental Health were at the door to inform them to cap the volume, so the door was now shut. This started the oven :) Lots of people dancing, drinking merrily, and overcrowed made the place very very warm very very quickly. And the harder I played, the more they danced.
A very very enjoyable night had by all, with next to no idiots spoiling the fun by fighting (that I could see). Lots of compliments at the end of the night by thoroughly knackered dancers :)
Oh, and I wasnt going the mention that one of my work colleagues was there, bucky bottle in hand, getting "mad wi it" :) No, nobody saw you fall on your arse either mate ;)
Tonight is a wedding in the Hydro, my 2nd DJ home I think. Irish crowd so should be a good laugh - they appreciate a good party.
Laters taters
Sitting here on Sunday morning, done all my housework (almost), so thought I would post with last nights fun.
Was meant to be doing a 21st in Ardrossan Civic Centre, where they had specifically requested Old Skool music, and lots of it, and NO Runrig at the end - just bouncy tunes.
Initially when you hear this you instantly think there will be a riot at the place, especially if history of the venue is anything to go by. How wrong I was.
Got a phone call at about 6pm to tell me that the venue had changed, as the fuse box melted in the civic centre (not surprising it was built in about 1347!). So the new venue was hastily arranged as the Whitlees Community Centre, which holds about 20% of the capacity of the Civic Centre.
1st problem was all the guests had to be informed of the venue change, so frantic phone calls a plenty and hopefully everybody would turn up. Then came the 2nd problem. The drinks licence granted for the evening was only valid for the Civic Centre, which meant that the new venue would have no bar. So all the guests would have to be told it was a bring your own bottle night.
This was of course after the police stepped in and at first didnt want the party to go ahead, but they relented after an agonising 20 minute wait and the party was given the green light.
Thankfully most people got the messages, and turned up at the venue armed with alcohol. By about 9pm the place was packed and there was cans, bottles, cups and glasses everywhere - not one patch of table could be seen :)
As it was a warm night / lots of smokers - they kept the fire door open - bad idea. 15 minutes later the Environmental Health were at the door to inform them to cap the volume, so the door was now shut. This started the oven :) Lots of people dancing, drinking merrily, and overcrowed made the place very very warm very very quickly. And the harder I played, the more they danced.
A very very enjoyable night had by all, with next to no idiots spoiling the fun by fighting (that I could see). Lots of compliments at the end of the night by thoroughly knackered dancers :)
Oh, and I wasnt going the mention that one of my work colleagues was there, bucky bottle in hand, getting "mad wi it" :) No, nobody saw you fall on your arse either mate ;)
Tonight is a wedding in the Hydro, my 2nd DJ home I think. Irish crowd so should be a good laugh - they appreciate a good party.
Laters taters
Monday, 3 August 2009
2 updates in the same month - must be near Xmas :)
Its that time again - Happy August
Well - I got paid last friday, then it all disappeared again lol. I was rich for all of a few hours.
Added expenditure this month was taxing the car and the exhaust needs fixed. Next month is MOT as well, so I can see a few more days of overtime being done.
Work wise though things are doing well. I managed to hit bonus every week of the month which was good - and paid for the road tax at least lol. Also finished the month higher percentage than previously - ever - so thats a good sign.
On the down side, a lot of my team are no longer with me and were laid off. Maybe that was the motivation to get better sales.
Nothing else really to report - got 2 weeks holidays left to take so thinking of a wee week off to chill out. Shall see what happens.
Well - I got paid last friday, then it all disappeared again lol. I was rich for all of a few hours.
Added expenditure this month was taxing the car and the exhaust needs fixed. Next month is MOT as well, so I can see a few more days of overtime being done.
Work wise though things are doing well. I managed to hit bonus every week of the month which was good - and paid for the road tax at least lol. Also finished the month higher percentage than previously - ever - so thats a good sign.
On the down side, a lot of my team are no longer with me and were laid off. Maybe that was the motivation to get better sales.
Nothing else really to report - got 2 weeks holidays left to take so thinking of a wee week off to chill out. Shall see what happens.
Eddie Izzard Lego
OK
Before I start - I`m going to try something that Ive never done on a post before - embed some You Tube videos onto the page. Lets hope this works .....
James Bond
See - told you it was easy :) Found some funny Lego Animations dubbed with Eddie Izzard stand up routines so thought I would share ....
Death Star Canteen
Supermarkets & Trolleys
Late Night Shopping At Your Local Petrol Station
Before I start - I`m going to try something that Ive never done on a post before - embed some You Tube videos onto the page. Lets hope this works .....
James Bond
See - told you it was easy :) Found some funny Lego Animations dubbed with Eddie Izzard stand up routines so thought I would share ....
Death Star Canteen
Supermarkets & Trolleys
Late Night Shopping At Your Local Petrol Station
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